To the Commisioner of Public Safety

[Madame Heloise D'Armagnac]

Monsieur Le Commisionier

I write regarding the supposed incident that occurred at Lt Hoffman's soiree in November. An agent of yours - a most rude and uncouth individual - appeared at my door and forced his way in past my maid. He demanded to speak with me - a person so clearly above his station - claiming that "he needed answers" and "would not leave until he got some". I suspected from the way he leered at my maid he was looking for more than answers. In any case, he put several questions to me in a manner unbecoming to a gentleman in service of the King.

I write now to confirm whether in fact this lout was in your service. If he was not, I ask that you pursue the ruffian and bring him to justice. If he were in fact in your service, I have no confidence in his ability to render an accurate account of my responses so I set them down here in the interests of justice.

I attended the soiree chez Lt Hoffman. Having been recently maligned for attending the theatre on my own, I thought it best to find a chaperone to the event, and I asked the Chevalier Doctor De'Ath if he would take on that duty. Doctor De'Ath has been nothing but kind to be since coming out of my period of mourning. I am always delighted to discover his various interests that include dressmaking an a smokehouse full of well hung sausages. I was once again surprised by the good doctor that evening when I discovered his interest in gardening and cooking. He reminded me all evening of how he wanted to baste my little cabbages with his Bechamel. It was so considerate of him to discern that I have a love of growing winter cabbages in my small garden in Charrone. That is the kind of man that he is.

All this to say that I count Doctor De'Ath as a respected friend. You should know this to consider the weight of my comments regarding the altercation that has been blown wildly out of all proportion. Lt Hoffman and Mlle. Lahey were the perfect hosts of a delightful evening. The food and wine were excellent and the servants well behaved. I looked forward not only to the company but the anticipated lively discussion of matters spiritual.

Lively it certain was. Pere Montgomery and Doctor De'Ath engaged in a vigorous debate of several matters of faith, authority, and spiritual practice. Pere Montgomery has a sharp wit and a sharp tongue despite his somewhat strange views. Doctor De'Ath most certainly had moral rectitude on his side but was perhaps the less artful advocate. All things considered neither side won a significant advantage in the struggle and matters came to an apparent stalemate from my point of view as a listener. The less sound argument more skillfully made versus a more solid basis in truth delivered less skillfully - the result was a draw.

Not being an equal to the struggle of wits, but being well educated in the Catholic faith, I rose to add the point that both sides has failed to mention the Church's magisterium as a factor in their argument. Unfortunately, I never completed my contribution as when I rose to speak I discovered that my dress had caught on the chair in an unexpected manner. When I rose, the dress was caught up in a manner that exposed my undergarments to Doctor De'Ath. As fate would have it, Pere Montogomery at that very moment had selected a delicious olive from the bounty Mlle Lahey provided for her guests. The olive, marinated in excellent Puglian olive oil, slipped from his grasp and shot from his hand as if fired from a pistol. It hit me in the chin and bounced off it to lodge itself between my breasts.

Both men rose at the same instant. Doctor De'Ath to address my undergarments and Pere Montogomery to discern the fate of the wayward olive. My dress being quite tightly fit, the olive was actually quite painfully lodged against my body. Mlle Lahey with the wisdom and quickness of wit that makes a perfect hostess saw the problem and solution quickly. She rose to assist me and managed to shift the olive so that it might lodge more comfortably and inconspicuously rest within my navel. In the meantime, her deft movement shifted my position is a manner that caused the two gallants to collide into each other on their respective rescue missions. I can assure you that neither gentleman intended collision with the other.

However, once collided, the two seemed to undergo a transformation into boyish forms of themselves. I recall as a girl watching my brother and his friends play fencing with sticks. When they were unobserved, the combat was playful. Once a female observer entered the scene, the contest became more seriously and usually unnecessarily so. The doctor and the father reminded me of nothing more than just such boys. While bruises and hurt feelings may result, no great harm is done.

I write you of course in the strictest confidence in the hope that no one might know these embarrassing accidents, but that you might, given the wisdom and judgement you must bring to your work for the King. I have the utmost respect for your work. If I may be of further assistance, I usually ride on Tuesday and Thursday mornings in the Bois de Boulogne. I have a roan with long white socks that are most distinct if you care to meet me there.

Respectfully and with gratitude for your service to the King,

Mme H. D'Armagnac

Matron of the Hostel of the Magdalenes

 

[Louis XIV]

Madam Heloise d'Armagnac
Matron of the Hostel de Magdalenes

Madam,

I confess myself quite confused by your letter. At the time of the incident that you first referred to, I had barely signed the arrest warrant. And I find it highly suspect that one of my men should have been the "rude and uncouth individual" whom accosted you. I administer the enforcement of the laws of Paris and leave it to my superiors in the Ministry of Justice to investigate the causes of wrongdoing.

Seeing as you have evidence in the matter, I would suggest that you apply to the Governor of Paris who is overseeing adjudication of this matter in the first week of January.

Ego Servio Regi,
José Vendredi
Commissioner for Public Safety