January 1631

[Bessie the Sheep]

Q: What do you call a Curate with five sheep?



A: A Pimp.

[Church Caretaker]

A Fruitless Visit...

First Voice: I'm afraid Curate Lachapelle is not here, Subaltern d'Blancheur.


Second Voice: Oh? Where might I find him?


First Voice: He's ministering to his flock, Sir.


Second Voice: Really...? I thought he'd sold the sheepfold...?

[Eavesdropper]

Heard through an open window…..

“But Arnold – how could I…..?”
“Forget him, my dear – he is merely a country hick, unable to give you what you need. I, on the other hand…..”
“What do you mean, Arnold?”
“Well – the Cardinal’s Guard are, as you know, tasked with confiscating lewd and salacious literature in the interests of public decency.”
“Yes…..”
“And do you think it is all burnt immediately? It is, of course, our duty to become familiar with all the perversions that such material contains, and the Guard library is amazingly comprehensive. Why, just yesterday I was studying some of the paintings in an oriental volume – which I happen to have brought with me. Perhaps we could study them together in a more appropriate room…..”
“But I gave Guillaume my key – how could I ask for it back just a week later?”
“Never fear, my darling – I came prepared. Goodman Clavier awaits in the street to change your locks. Fitzbraose will not interrupt us unexpectedly.”
“Well – all right, Arnold. But I do have one question?”
“What is it, my dove.”
“Why do I have to wear the nun’s habit?”

[A Concerned Reader]

La Voix de Paris is likely to find its circulation reduced by concerned parents, fearful of the effect on their impressionable children of having Pastor Jacques writing a column.

They are not concerned over his Huguenot leanings - this is not the fourteenth century, after all!

The CONCERN is rather OVER his terrible affectation of CAPITALISING seemingly random words WITHIN his article.

Such an august organ of communication should surely encourage their correspondents to meet the usual standards in their copy. And if not, what are Editors for?

[Church Caretaker]

When acquainted with the above criticism Father...sorry PASTOR Jacques answered in two words:

FECH !!!!

DRINK !!!!

[gaston]

At the Convent Herbalist's, St Denis...

First Voice: Hello Sister Agatha. While Madame la Vicomtess is sampling her latest vintage with the Reverand Mother I wondered if I might have a word...?

Second Voice: Why, come in Child! You can help me grind up this valerian as we talk. What a pleasure to hear my mother tongue again! You speak it beautifully! Is something troubling you?

First Voice: I had a most strange encounter the other day, Sister. I was passing the army headquarters at the Temple in my coach when I noticed a woman emerge from the grounds and suddenly collapse. Although well-dressed the passé mode of her attire suggested she was a stranger to Paris and it seemed likely she had no friends or family here. I ordered my coachman to stop and bring her into my carriage to recover.

Second Voice: Most charitable of you Child. I'm glad your years here weren't wasted. What brought her to Paris?

First Voice: She'd come to the Temple from Reims to view the casualty lists from the recent actions in Savoy. Her son was missing in action and she wished dearly to determine his fate. It transpired that he was alive, but captured, and that the ransom raised by his friends had been refused.

Second Voice: How devastating for her! Still, her boy is at least alive and 'where there's life there's hope'.

First Voice: Indeed Sister, but what was strange was that I was one of the friends in question! Her son is none other than Major Jean-Paul Marsaud of the Languedoc Regiment, a devout young man who used to accompany me to Church before he was called off to war. Now he's languishing in the monastery of Staffarda and facing a most uncertain fate.

Second Voice: Oh how terrible for his Mother, the worry of just not knowing...

First Voice: Indeed, she was most distraught, though seemed somewhat comforted when she learned of our acquaintance. Under the circumstances I felt compelled to invite her to my home and ensure she got a good meal inside her. Over dinner - which included somewhat more wine than she was used to - she revealed that she held herself to blame for the fate of her son, and felt that it was God's punishment for a long concealed sin. The tale she told me was strange indeed, Sister, and also concerns you.

Second Voice: However could that be, Child? I've been in the convent since before her son was born and hardly ever leave it.

First Voice: In the year 1610 the lady and her husband were in the service of Marshal François de Bonne de Lesdiguières, answerable to his chamberlain and responsible for looking after and repairing the attire of the whole household. When the Marshal was ordered to Bruzolo to negotiate a treaty with the Duke of Savoy, Carlo Emanuele, they left their first child with her husband's mother and accompanied him.

Second Voice: Ah, such a tragedy that King Henri was assassinated so soon after the treaty was concluded - and that his wife failed to ratify it. Had the alliance held my half-brother could have become King of Lombardy and his long war with the Spaniards avoided. So many unnecessary deaths...

First Voice: The negotiations lasted for five days, during which time my friend Jean-Paul was conceived - but not by the man he believes to be his father.

Second Voice: Is this the ancient sin the lady referred to?

First Voice: Yes Sister Agatha. At the successful conclusion of the negotiations there was a feast at which the wine flowed more than freely, even amongst the servants. The lady's husband was already in a drunken stupor when she was summoned to a Savoyard noble's bedchamber to effect 'an emergency repair to his doublet.' The noble had other things in mind of course and, given her lowly station, she was compelled to stay with him until dawn (when she finally crept back to the servants' quarters and the pallet she was sharing with her comatose spouse). Nine months later Jean-Paul was born and, given the lack of privacy in the servants' quarters and on the long journey to and from Bruzolo, she is certain that the only possible father was the Italian nobleman.

Second Voice: Well, the sin lies with him then, not the poor woman he left with his child. It's very difficult for a lady of lesser birth to say 'no' to a noble rake, be she married or no. Why, my brother Carlo had six acknowledged mistresses who between them gave him eleven illegitimate children - though he legitimised four of them when, on the death of his wife, he secretly married their mother, Marguerite de Rossillon. Eleven nieces and nephews I've never seen! He must have had countless conquests on top of that - it's impossible for a Savoyard woman to gainsay the most powerful man in the Duchy. If he's not in Hell already for his sinful ways he'll spend eternity in purgatory, I'm sure.

First Voice: Indeed so, Sister Agatha. It was Duke Carlo Emanuele who had this lady 'mend his doublet' too...

Second Voice: So I have yet another nephew I've never seen ? Even so, the sin was still Carlo's alone - this poor women should not torture herself so.

First Voice: Ah, but that's not the sin she has such remorse over, Sister. Before she left Duke Carlo's bed he gave her a small jeweled pendant - a mere trifle to him but a life changing gift for her. She told her husband it was a grateful reward from one of the Italian ladies she'd served - and that he'd exercised his conjugal rights that night. (He was too drunk to remember otherwise). She has told no-one of the true paternity of her second son - not even the boy himself. As to the pendant, they sold it and with the proceeds purchased and stocked the small haberdashery which has supported the family ever since. She feels that she has been living dishonourably on the fruits of her sin - and that the loss of her son Jean-Paul is God's punishment for doing so.

Second Voice: And where is the poor woman now ?

First Voice: I sent her safely back to Reims, swearing to tell her when I heard any news of her son and to do whatever I could to ensure his safety. Which is why I'm here Sister. Knowing the boy to be your nephew I was wondering if you could prevail upon the Reverend Mother to write to the Abbot of Staffarda requesting him to oversee and ensure Jean-Paul's welfare?

Second Voice: I can do better than that, Child !!! I've been corresponding with my nephew regularly since he became Duke of Savoy and he's coming to Paris at the end of the month! I asked him to visit me here and...where is it...yes...here is his letter accepting the invitation. He and his entourage will be staying one night here at the convent before proceeding to the Tuilleries!

First Voice: Why, that's wonderful Sister Agatha! But please ask him to keep the lady's confidence regarding his half-brother's patenity.

Second Voice: Oh, I will child. And I'll ask him to ensure that he's well treated and that his incarceration ends with release rather than execution.

First Voice: That would be such a comfort to his poor mother, Sister. Please let me know of the Duke's response immediately so that I can, hopefully, put her mind at rest...

[Corporal Epineux]

So there I was, getting the men to clean their muskets after target practice, when this wet-behind-the-ears officer turned up.

"Corporal?"

"Yessir! Squad - ATTENTION!"

"Yes, very good, stand easy or whatever it is...." The poor chap looked confused - obviously fresh off the farm.

"Squad - stand easy. Carry on cleaning your weapons - I'll be checking them later! Now, Sir," I said, taking his arm and leading him out of earshot, "What was it you wanted?" No point in letting the squad hear this - training officers isn't something squaddies need to know about.

"Well, Corporal - it's the targets."

"Good targets too, Sir - only the best bales of straw used to make them."

"Yes, I'm sure. But they're wearing uniforms."

"Well, of course, Sir. We're training the men to shoot at enemy soldiers, not lumps of straw, Sir."

"Yes - but they're French uniforms. Shouldn't they be enemy uniforms?"

"Well, yes, Sir. But, you see, we only captured a few of those, Sir, and them bastards in the King's Musketeers requisitioned them, if you'll pardon my English."

"The Kings...."

"Well, yes, of course, Sir. The poor sods don't get to go to the Front like we do - they have to guard the palaces and the pissoirs, and all that - so this is the most fun they normally have."

"Ah - yes, I suppose....but - aren't those the uniforms of the Languedoc Regiment you were using?"

"I'm sure I couldn't say, Sir." I tried to look innocent. "One of the squads found them after a bit of a barney down in the docks - there were a bunch of unconscious men who were obviously the worse for wear - drunk, no doubt. The Sergeant told me it was lucky that his squad happened to be there, and felt it was their duty to make sure that a bunch of drunkards weren't disgracing their uniforms, so he decided to bring them back. And they were hardly torn at all. And, well, I thought that it would help the lads shoot better if they had proper targets to aim at. And I'm happy to report that accuracy was up ten per cent today, Sir!" I threw in a salute. Never does any harm with a new officer.

"Indeed - well, jolly good. Keep up the good work, Corporal." And off he wandered, still confused, but at least looking a little happier. I made a mental note to have a word with the Sergeant about it - it looked like we could probably get him to authorise all sorts of things before he wised up. Ah, the benefits of an untrained officer......

[gaston]

An  Unexpected  Parting...

First Voice: Why, Helen, My Child ! So kind of you to come to the docks to see me off!

Second Voice: I couldn't  let you leave without saying good-bye Father.  Is there somewhere I can send letters to you while you're away? I'd like you  to know the results of Curate Chapelle's  tribunal appearance and the fate of  Major Marsaud as soon as possible. 

First Voice: I'm sure such worldly matters  can wait until my return, Child. Please don't trouble yourself on my account.  Such a shame Major Marsaud's ransom has been refused.   I wish there was more I could do for him than merely remember him in  my prayers... 

Second Voice: Actually  Father, there is.   I'm told this vessel will be docking in Genoa on it's way to the Holy Land ?

First Voice: Yes Child, for a few days I believe.  Some cargo  to be loaded and maintenance conducted, I understand. 

Second Voice: Could I prevail upon you make use of the delay to visit Major Marsaud at the Monastery of Staffarda? You should be  there and back  before the vessel embarks again.

First Voice: Do you have some message for him ?

Second Voice: I do, Father, but that's not the main reason for my request.  As you know, there is strong possibility that Major Marsaud will now be executed at the end of February unless rescued.  Any attempts at this would stand a much better chance of success if the rescuers knew what they are facing.  How secure is and what is the ground plan of the place of incarceration?   How many guards are there and what are their quality?  And, most importantly, who is their commander and how competent is he?  When you return to Genoa you could send this information to me in a letter before your ship sails.  The Genoese have no love for the Savoyards, so even if your letter is opened by the Genoese authorities it is unlikely to be confiscated. 

First Voice: I see.  And what of the message for Major Marsaud?

Second Voice:  It's in this sealed letter, Father. The contents are innocuous - good wishes  and so on - since the guards are certain to read it before allowing the Major to do so.  The real message is written in invisible ink which will only reveal itself when held up to the heat of a candle.   You could inform the Major of this while hearing his confession, perhaps? 

First Voice: Am I permitted to know the substance of this secret message ?

Second Voice: Probably best that you don't, Father, so that you can truthfully claim innocence in the - admittedly most unlikely - event that it is accidentally discovered...

["M"]

"Argentsou - take a note"

"Sir?"

"One of our informants tells me that some woman called Bacque was overheard persuading some poor dupe to carry a letter with a secret message into enemy territory. Her file notes that she has managed to secure the affections of Vicomte Gorne, so she could be trying to get access to sensitive information. AND she speaks Italian - possibly a sleeper. Have one of our agents look into it."

"Yes, Sir"

[gaston]

At the Ursuline Convent of St.Denis...

First Voice: Sister Agatha. I came as soon as could...

Second Voice: Thank you, my Child. Rather than wait to meet him in person I decided to write to my nephew, Duke Victor Amadeus, to acquaint him of the fact that he had a half-brother in custody. I've just recieved his reply.

First Voice: Good news, I hope ?

Second Voice: I'm afraid not Child. He says that although he'd like to help, political consideratons prevent him from treating poor Jean-Paul differently from any other prisoner. He won't even intervene if the military authorities decide upon on his execution.

First Voice: Oh, how terrible! So no good news for his poor Mother after all.

Second Voice: No. It appears that all I can do is have the Reverend Mother write to the Abbot of Staffarda as you suggested, asking him to do what he can to ensure that Jean-Paul is well treated, and send the poor man a few necessities by way of comfort - clean clothes, soap, writing materials and so on. But I have no-one I might entrust with the task...

First Voice: Given your many kindnesses while I was pupil here I'd be happy to do this for you Sister, though it will have to wait until the beginning of February I fear. There is, however, something I'll need from you?

Second Voice: Yes Child?

First Voice: A letter of introduction to Duke Victor explaining that I am acting on your behalf in this matter and requesting documents guaranteeing safe passage to Staffarda for myself, any companions and my servants. I expect that we'll be able to travel from Paris to Turin with the Ducal Court and will be in no danger from brigands or deserting soldiers. From Turin to Staffarda, however, given the current unrest in the region an armed escort would be adviseable. Perhaps you could ask the Duke to provide half a dozen Horse Guards and an officer to command them...?

[Map Lover]

A Visit to the Cartographer's...

First Voice: Good day to you Sir. Which countries, regions, towns or cities are of interest to you? 

Second Voice: Actually, Monsieur d'Hubert, rather than your excellent maps it is in fact your other profession which brings me here.

First Voice: My other profession...?

Second Voice: Indeed, I'm told you're the best forger in Paris.

First Voice: I can't think where you might have heard such a malicious falsehood, Sir. I'm a respectable cartographer, by Royal Appointment to His Majesty no less, and nothing more

Second Voice: What, not by somewhat less trumpeted appointment to some less transparent organs of His Majesty's government, not to mention His Eminence on occasion?

First Voice: Certainly not, Sir. The penalties for forgery are still quite medieval and I would never consider risking them.

Second Voice: It appears I have been misinformed. Pity. I have a purse full of pistoles looking for some official Savoyard documents and, so far as I'm aware, creating facsimiles of foreign documents is not a crime...

First Voice:...I see. I may know someone who could help you, Sir. What form, exactly, must these documents take?

Second Voice: One guaranteeing free passage through Savoy for various parties and two Ducal orders of a military nature, all of them under the Ducal seal. This may pose a problem. I appreciate that it can considerable time to carve an authentic seal but I need the documents rather rapidly.

First Voice: The seal won't be problem, Sir. I..er...my friend already has one - both Royal and Military intelligence have, allegedly, had need of such documents before and the new Duke will of course continue to use it. The problem will be his signature. Victor Amadeus has been Duke for such a short time that I...er...my friend has no example of his handwriting.

Second Voice: I can help...your friend there Monsieur d'Hubert. This letter recently fell into my possession.

First Voice: Excellent! I'm sure that I can...persuade my friend to offer a discount if he can keep this.

Second Voice: Oh, I'm sure that could be arranged, Monsieur...

[Church Mouse]

Overheard at a confessional in Rouen

Male voice -  Welcome child, it is good to see you have taken the fate of your immortal soul seriously.

Female voice - Thank you Curate, and it is more than my immortal soul that brings me here.  You know of course that the ransom has been declined by the Austrians yes?  Good, for I was told that you had shown a keen interest in raising the ransom and as a member of the cloth you speak Italian yes?

Male voice - Indeed I have heard the ransom was declined, which is a most unchivalrous decision and clearly unforgivable in the Sight of God.  I am also conversant in the tongue of the Pope, both the ancient and modern!  Is there an instance where this may be of use in releasing the good Major?

Female voice - Curate!  The idea that a mere female would be involved such.  Perhaps once I have been given Absolution we can retire to your office to discuss it further.  Forgive me Father for I have sinned .....

[Fellow Mourner]

At A Small Mansion Outside Garges...

First Voice: It's from Helen. She's invited us to an art exhibition in the Place Royale hosted by Monsieur le Vicomte de Graville.

Second Voice: Vicomte Roland Gorne ?

First Voice: Yes, I believe so...

Second Voice: Then we must go, Philippe! When I was speaking to her after the funeral she mentioned him as a possible future husband!

First Voice: She's not wasting any time, then. The invitation is from 'Monsieur le Vicomte and Madame Helen Bacque'.

Second Voice: He'd make an excellent match for her. He has no offspring and In addition to his large mansion in the Place Royale and his Vicomté at Graville in Normandy, he has five smaller Norman estates and the Barony of Milly-en-Gâtinai in the Isle de France. He can boast an income of 3,000 livres per year !

First Voice: Less than three quarters of our own - but our estates carry no titles of course...You seem to know rather a lot about this Vicomte de Graville, Geraldine...?

Second Voice: Well, since our niece mentioned him as a prospective husband I felt some research was called for. There are a couple of flies in the ointment, however, the first being that he has a younger brother who looks set to inherit the Vicomté at some point...

First Voice: It seems that particular fly has flown away, Dear. Helen's covering letter requests mourning garb since the Vicomte's younger brother has just been killed fighting with the Crown Prince Cuirassiers on the Spanish front. And the second fly in the ointment is...?

Second Voice: Helen's own situation, Philippe. Her income is modest and she has no inheritance to look forward to. No matter how beautiful and charming she may be, the Vicomte will always have the nagging suspicion that she's only after his money.

First Voice: So we're back to that are we? The notion that we should adopt her ?

Second Voice: Well, she is the closest family we have now, Philippe. Who else are we to leave our fortune to now that the boys have gone? If she was known to be heiress to larger fortune than the Vicomte's, he would be perceived as chasing her rather than the other way around...

First Voice: Well, I must admit that I'm coming around to the idea, Geraldine. Let's go the exhibition and see the cut of this Vicomte's jib shall we...?

[Bessie the Sheep]

At Vicomte Roland's Art Exhibition...

First Voice: I say! Doesn't that look uncannily like...?

Second Voice:  No! Can't be surely?  No sheep in the picture...

First Voice:  No, but doesn't that little imp look just like Arnold d'Blancheur...?

[Art Lover]

A Summons to the Convent...

First Voice: Ah, Monsieur Flump! Thank you for coming so quickly.

Second Voice: I'm not in a position to ignore any possibility of a commission, Sister Agatha, especially since my horse did so badly in the Futurity.

First Voice: You'll find no sympathy from me there, Monsieur. Gambling on the outcome of horse races is not a sin I could ever condone.  It encourages the weak-willed to run up unnecessary debts and ignore their obligations to others.

Second Voice: Quite, Sister. Might I ask why you chose me for this commission?

First Voice: You were recommended, Monsieur, by Madame Helen Bacque - a former pupil who is most dear to me.

Second Voice: I see. Is the commission to be of a religious nature ?

First Voice: No, another portrait - I believe they are something of a forté for you ?

Second Voice: And who is to be the subject, Sister Agatha ?

First Voice: Major Jean-Paul Marsaud. The anguish of his mother has been made known to me and I felt a portrait might be some consolation to her in the event that he...doesn't return.

Second Voice: But isn't he a captive in Savoy, Sister?

First Voice: He is Monsieur. Helen has kindly offered to take some presents to him for me (I'm sure my nephew the Duke will allow this) and I thought you could travel with her and execute some preliminary sketches of the Major - for use in executing the painting itself when you return to Paris - at the same time? I will, of course, cover all your travelling expenses in addition to covering the costs of the commission itself.

Second Voice: Most generous, Sister. I have often wished for the opportunity to travel to Italy...I accept your commission gladly...